AN OPEN LETTER
Dear Mr. Miscavige,
It came to me as the proverbial Kodak Moment … the solution to the problem you’re having with your Church of Scientology. Of course, you don’t really think there is a problem – but then that’s a little like the proud mother watching her little boy march in the big parade … “Look at my little Jimmie, he’s the only one who’s in step!” O.K., I’ll relent and say that everyone else has the problem. But the solution is still perfect, because it will silence the critics and naysayers once and for all! And the cure-all elixir which will make all this bad press go away, eliminate the lost revenue of millions of dollars in legal fees, turn around your staggering low enrollments, and perhaps even make you king of the world is this: submit your best OT VIII (or even a 9 or 10, if you’ve got one) to an unbias scientific demonstration and evaluation of his/her super powers. End of discussion, game over … Scientology scores … winner-take-all … all the chips are on your end of the table. How simple is that? I mean, we are talkin’ world domination here with all that super duper think-power and intensified psychedelic mind-over-matter psychokinesis action going on. It is beyond me why this hasn’t occured to anyone in the organization before now. But who cares … it’s now on the table and it’s hot.
For those of you who live in Rio Linda (I grew up near there and Rush is right), the scientific method refers to the body of techniques for investigating phenomena, acquiring new knowledge, or correcting and integrating previous knowledge. It is based on gathering observable, empirical and measurable evidence subject to specific principles of reasoning. A scientific method consists of the collection of data through observation and experimentation, and the formulation and testing of hypotheses. I mean, we did it in high school chemistry — it’s a NO-BRAINER (that’s what MY chemistry teacher used to call me).
All you have to do is get in touch with me here at PseudoScientology (email address in over there in the sidebar) and I’ll work out all the details. I’d prefer to meet at Clearwater, FL with my people (several want to go deep sea fishing and I said we could do that). You fly us from D.C., charter … set us up in the Biltmore on Belleview Boulevard, reserve the Convention Center for one week and we’re done! We’ll forward all the details on the experiments, who will document, etc. and we will be good to go.
What do you say? We are pumped for this! And I’m sure you will be too.